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Monday, January 13, 2025

Boyhood Camp Lost and Home Still Stands

For days, Dan had been wondering what happened to his boyhood home at 732 Greentree Road in the Rustic Canyon neighborhood of Pacific Palisades. And whether Camp Josepho, where he'd had so many  wonderful experiences as a young boy, was still standing. 

April 16, 2016

In the summer of 2016, Dan drove to Los Angeles with his son, Craig, and grandsons Taylor, Noah, and Beau to visit the Greentree house, the lodge at Camp Josepho, and his elementary school. It was a rare outing to places where Grandpa had lived and gone to school when he was closer to their age. We were thrilled earlier today to discover the house survived (ca.gov/fires), just south of the perimeter of the Palisades fire. A high hill separates Greentree like a geographic shield from busy Sunset Boulevard, where the flames were contained. Unfortunately, Camp Josepho was lost in the apocalyptic tragedy the world has been witnessing in West Los Angeles this past week. The images on TV and online have brought back so many memories, not just for Dan, but likely for thousands of Boy Scouts and former Scouts who spent their formative years at the Camp and its two other camps in Catalina and Sequoia.

Camp Josepho 2016
732 Greentree Road 2016

 It was 1944 when Dan's parents, Marcy and Duane, packed up two young toddlers, along with blankets, towels, and toys, after a day at the beach near Sunset Boulevard. They had learned about a lot for sale in nearby Rustic Canyon, a largely undeveloped area of Pacific Palisades. By the time the young couple surveyed the empty land and returned home to their apartment near Duane's parents in central LA, they'd decided to buy the vacant plot which had served as polo fields at one time, and build a house for their young family. 

For the next three years, Dan recalls many weekends playing with his brothers all day long at Greentree while his dad dug giant holes to plant the saplings that would grow into mature trees for shade and food. There were pine trees, a redwood, magnolias, avocado trees, and a variety of fruit trees. Duane bent over his desk at night to draw the floor plans for the house. Eventually, he contracted with a builder, and construction started. In 1947, with a newborn baby, Sanderson, and brothers Dan and Tom, the family moved into their new home on Greentree, bringing the Rustic Canyon neighborhood to a total of thirteen houses.

 I met Dan at a New Year's Eve party in 1985, and can remember a story he told me when we were dating, about his childhood "growing up in the boonies." Months after we were married, he drove me past his boyhood home. There was no evidence of the hardscrabble life I'd pictured. He did attend a two-room elementary school with two portable buildings for extra classrooms, and his graduating class was 19 students. Canyon was the second-oldest grade school in Los Angeles. And he rode his bike seven miles to junior high school in Santa Monica, before Paul Revere opened in the Palisades. He also graduated from University High in West LA, before Palisades High was erected. Putting aside the lack of schools nearby, the family was obviously in excellent company. Early settlers included Governor Earl Warren, who'd become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, actors Robert Mitchum, James Whitmore, Johnny Weissmuller (Tarzan), and James Arness (Matt Dillon on Gunsmoke), who lived in a house around the corner. There was a bit of mischief, too. Johnny Weissmuller Jr. gave Dan a bloody nose on his first day of school at Canyon! But on the other hand, Robert Mitchum asked Duane if Dan might audition for a film titled "The Kid in Left Field.". It never happened, but the gesture remains a topic of family lore, along with the Sepulveda family who were early settlers in Los Angeles on his mom's side of the family.    



One might think the celebrities had a big impact on Dan growing up in the Palisades. But they would be wrong. It was Camp Josepho, the Boy Scout camp and its sister camps, which led to endless outdoor activities, achievements, adventures, jobs, and memories for Dan and his brothers. They attended events and Order of the Arrow banquets at the Josepho, its enclave of buildings and recreation areas tucked in the Santa Monica Mountains, an urban range of forest about three miles from Will Rogers State Park on Sunset, which burned in the fires as well. When Dan turned eleven, his dad established the Boy Scout troupe he and his brothers would attend. Duane led it for the first five years, introducing his sons to a whole world of wilderness training and exploration. There were frequent weekend camping trips and weeklong Boy Scout camps at Emerald Bay on Catalina Island, and Wolverton in Sequoia National Park. At fourteen, Dan was the youngest ever staff member to accept a position at Wolverton where he would work for six weeks every summer the next three years. The staff of young recruits led their Boy Scout charges and a train of stubborn burros, food and camping supplies loaded on their backs, along mountain trails to the camp. The eager youngsters backpacked their own gear for a full week of hiking to lakes and sleeping overnight in the backcountry, just as Dan had done as a young Scout. 

Dan's early experiences with outdoor adventures in nature spilled over to his son, Craig, and his daughter, Laura. He enrolled Craig as a young boy in Indian Guides, an organization similar to Boy Scouts. Every June after Craig joined the Pawnee Tribe in Manhattan Beach, the three of them traveled from San Pedro Harbor with other Pawnee dads and kids to a camp on Catalina Island where they celebrated Fathers Day weekend. Dan and Craig, and the grandkids have continued the tradition.  

Emerald Bay Boy Scout Camp on Catalina

After we were married, Dan decided it was time to treat me to a Halloween weekend at Wolverton. We arrived late in the day as the sun dipped behind the mountains and the chill rose in the air. Our cozy room at a local lodge near Sequoia had kept us warm through the night, but something unexpected met us the next morning. We’d risen early, peeked out a fogged window, and were stunned by a beautiful blanket of snow that had coated the ground overnight. Needless to say, we soldiered on in our trusty hiking boots and backpacks stuffed with food and extras. At the sight of the sparkling white camp of his Boy Scout days, Dan was at home. He plodded through the snow to point out the latrines, outdoor shower stalls, picnic tables, and more before we set off to hike three lakes. 

Like salmon swimming upstream, he led us through the forest, along trails buried beneath the snow. Steep declines and ascents stretched over seven miles of wet, sometimes crunchy terrain to Heather, Aster, and Emerald Lakes where Boy Scouts had hiked and camped for decades. After trodding seven miles back to our car, I had to admit, the excursion was exhilarating, but exhausting. For Dan, it was so much more. Magical moments and memories surfaced as he scanned the winter landscape and recapped details of dozens of previous journeys. It had been twenty-five years since he'd made a trip to Wolverton. It was the summer after he'd graduated from college. He'd volunteered to be the chaperone for a group of Boy Scouts who needed an adult to accompany them on their weeklong summer camp. 

Why not?  Dan didn't hesitate. It was another opportunity for another chapter in the wilderness, just as we'd experienced together that Halloween day.    

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Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Thank You Norman Lear


Photo: Peter Yang August


My job at USC's Norman Lear Center in 2001 was unplanned, but I had a bit of luck on my side. The position germinated from a seed planted on the other side of the country -- a job at the CDC in 1996 in Atlanta. Also unplanned. It's true what they say -- luck happens when opportunity meets preparedness. Right place, right time, right experience, and the right support gave me the opportunity to create CDC's Entertainment Education Program

The pilot project at CDC offered experts, case examples, and tip sheets to writers, producers, and network executives. It was loosely modeled on the UCLA Health Sciences Press Office where I worked previously. Rather than news releases for journalists, we developed tip sheets for TV writers. When experts consulted and health storylines aired, researchers evaluated the effects on viewers. High-risk groups (for preventable diseases, injuries and disabilities) were more likely to report they learned something, talked to others about it, and some respondents even called an 800-number, clinic, or doctor after seeing the show. As advertisers know, behavior change or product purchase usually occurs in stages, with repetition of messages, but there were some viewers who said they adopted a new habit to protect their health or safety after seeing a TV storyline, i.e. on HIV, syphilis, breast cancer, diabetes, influenza, measles, and more. A couple of the shows shared letters from audience members who thanked the writers for a storyline that helped them or a loved one. These results  were also reported in scholarly and consumer media, and at professional and academic conferences. Finally, we developed the Sentinel for Health Awards, now named Sentinel Awards, to recognize the best health storylines from the previous year. 


With positive results of the pilot program, the CDC requested proposals to expand the program with a partner organization. After a competitive review process, USC Annenberg's Norman Lear Center was selected. What better place and what better name to increase outreach and provide experts to TV writers? Norman Lear was the pioneer of complex and controversial issues in popular TV shows he created. All In the Family featured Archie Bunker, a jovial bigot who shed light on racism and prejudice, The Jeffersons featured an upwardly mobile black couple to showcase a successful black lifestyle, and Maude addressed abortion as an emotional, personal issue. All used humor as the teaspoon of sugar to entertain audiences while presenting real people with real life issues. It was Norman's persistence with the networks and his willingness to fight for what he believed in that made these shows possible. 

The aura of Norman Lear cast a glow far beyond TV. He was a generous philanthropist who contributed to organizations and causes he believed in.  The Norman Lear Center at the USC Annenberg School was established "for the study of entertainment, media and society." Its mission is to "prove that media matters, (and) to improve the quality of media to serve the public good."


As fate would have it, my husband and I left Atlanta in 2000 for his new job in the San Diego area. We were eager to return to California and our growing family, but in 2001, when CDC announced USC would expand the Entertainment Education pilot project, I found myself driving to Los Angeles to jump start the program. Little did I know I would stay for six years! 

It was an honor and a privilege to create Hollywood, Health and Society at the Norman Lear Center with Marty Kaplan's leadership. During my tenure, we hired staff, conducted and published research, and developed outreach to the entertainment industry with support from four health agencies, nonprofit organizations, and the Gates Foundation, which got a green light before I left the program. Through a fortuitous partnership with the Writers Guild of America, we formed a board of directors with health care and entertainment representatives, and produced expert panels for writers several times a year at the WGAw. 

WGAw, Lear Center and HH&S staff

Today, the program continues to flourish beyond my wildest dreams, with a user friendly, beautifully designed website, and new partners, staff, and critical topics, i.e. climate change, sustainability, racism in health care, the plastic crisis, impact of war, older adults, and so much more. It gives me enormous pride to witness how HH&S remains a highly relevant program with ever expanding potential to inform TV audiences about all the changes and challenges we face in our world today. BRAVO to Marty Kaplan, Kate Folb, and all the staff at USC and CDC who've shepherded HH&S through the years. This is another success story that Norman Lear made possible.  

Marty Kaplan, Larry Wilmore and Kate Folb
2023 Sentinel for Health Awards

The start of 2024 promises more on the horizon, but it's been a bittersweet few months for those who worked with, respected, and admired Norman Lear. His passing in December leaves a gigantic legacy, especially for Lear Center staff committed to fostering and perpetuating it. First and foremost, Norman was a man of principles. He had vision, brilliance, and energy, and made a difference in our culture, especially in how we view and judge each other. He truly believed in the power of TV and humor to inform people about tough topics, and would want all of us to keep on laughing, and HH&S to keep on growing, as his wife Lyn Lear said in her remarks after he passed. 

Despite his largesse, there was a singular, small conversation with him many years ago that I treasure. Talking to Norman, whom I saw once a year at the holiday party, was like talking to a neighbor I saw infrequently. I certainly knew his professional accomplishments, but I was more interested in hearing his personal story. At a young age, he lived on Blue Hills Avenue in Hartford where my former husband also lived as a young boy. He was a radio engineer on airplanes in WWII, a veteran like my dad, who served as a Marine on battleships in the South Pacific. They were born the same year, in 1922. And Norman once had a business in Middletown, CT where I lived as a young mom with two children and a husband who also owned a business. It was a few moments of friendly conversation -- making simple, everyday connections with Norman.  

Of course, my work at the Norman Lear Center was the biggest connection, which we both knew. And I  am grateful. But most important, I remember Norman Lear as a man who had a vision to make the world a more just and fair place through television. For that, we can all be grateful, and hopefully, we can all contribute to his vision in our own way. 

THANK YOU NORMAN LEAR!  

2023 Travels

John Burrow

As the calendar moves through February, I'm reminded of two wonderful trips last year in February and March. 

The first was a long weekend in Arizona. I met my friend Vicki from Cincinnati in Phoenix to explore the Scottsdale area. Our definite highlight, after landing a Mercedes sports car at the rental counter, was the annual Arizona Fine Arts Expo. It's running again this year, January 12-March 24, and I can't recommend it more highly.  It was nothing short of a kaleidoscope of truly mesmerizing works of art. Strolling from one display to the next, impressive talent and techniques lured us into a trance. Lauren Knode, Dawn Normali, and George Jones stood out, using brilliant contrasting colors of the southwest to infuse energy and raw emotion in their paintings. Knode's luminous landscapes and delicate flowers intoxicated, Normali's rich desert scenes captured the stark mood of the setting, and Jones' stunning animals in motion leaped from the canvas. So much to savor that we spent much longer than planned. Worth every minute.

The Mercedes Sports Car

George Jones

                    
Dawn Normali

We also put forth our best effort to sample recommended restaurants in the Scottsdale area. All were worthy of the visit, but the elegant Persian Room won best of the show. It’s a slam dunk if you're in town and want something different.

The oversized, ornate wood doors were the first hint that this place was special. It's a two-story, elegant room dripping with jewel-colored fabrics, and a wrought iron staircase leading to a loft of luxury dining upstairs. Furniture in dark mahogany wood shades was accented by classical Middle Eastern designs, setting the mood of the spacious setting. The authentic cuisine was a celebration of taste and harmony, the perfect match for the other world atmosphere, both alluring and welcoming. The cocktails were equally pleasing and generous. A toast to the proprietors for creating memorable decor and food.

In March last year, a most worthy treat was a trip to Oaxaca. My friend Doralece from Virginia Beach invited me to join her for a culinary tour offered by Les Dames d'Escoffier International, an organization of female chefs and women in the beverage and produce industries serving fine dining restaurants. 

From the very first day to the last, the best of Oaxacan food, arts, and crafts dazzled. On the night of arrival, Oaxacan fabrics and clothing were showcased in a fashion show held in our hotel courtyard, a setting reminiscent of a Shakespearian play. The ancient stone gazebo, sculptures and artifacts offered the perfect backdrop for the parade of local models, elegant and graceful as they struck stunning poses in designer garments. 
 


A former convent, the Quinta Real Oaxaca is a Unesco Cultural Heritage of Humanity hotel with four centuries of history in its interior. A must consideration if you are planning a trip to Oaxaca, considered number one or two of the most desirable destinations in the world by at least one highly regarded travel magazine. 

Each day of our tour featured a cornucopia of world-class cuisine created by chefs throughout Oaxaca, a world-class culinary region. In addition, traditional candlemakers, figurine painters, and Mezcal producers demonstrated their crafts, and instructed us how to make our own samples, an immersive experience which led to a range of creative results!    



Finally, Dan and I outdid ourselves in June 2023 when we traveled to Arizona for a Colorado River rafting trip through the entire Grand Canyon. It was a dream of his, and he wouldn't go unless I came along. I had my qualms because I'd done half the trip years ago, and thought it might be wise to avoid it some 40 years later. I loved the original voyage with all the adrenalin pumped by the rapids. This time, with the assurance of a motorized raft, I agreed to go along. It may have been our best trip ever! The fact that we could even do it, getting on and off the huge inflated raft being the hardest part, was an accomplishment. We slept outside under a million stars every night except one, which threatened a repeat performance of the day's downpour. We lugged our gear on and off the boat, set up and took down our own camping area, peed in a plastic container the size of my yogurt container at home during the night, and walked through the brush to a semi-private outhouse for more serious elimination during the day. 

There were three major highlights of the trip -- our GUIDE JJ, the fellow RAFTERS, and the RAPIDS!!  Everyone was extremely congenial, with a shout out to the nine teenagers from Alaska and Arizona. They were Awesome kids. We were propped on our benches holding onto grab ropes for the rapids  and sat on the floor with grab ropes for the more challenging ones, which produced a bigger and longer roller coaster ride. But the world famous Lava Falls put all the others to shame. Our guides were extremely experienced in reading the river and calling the shots when it came to maneuvering through those badass rapids and boulders. The mighty Lava Falls on the last day, and well worth the wait. I would compare it to the height of an earthquake which keeps on quaking. I kept my eye on JJ, and she kept her focus on the water!! It was thrilling. We told our kids and grandkids they need to do that trip!

What we brought home with us, besides a broken toe, bruises, and very dirty garb, was an appreciation of the Grand Canyon as one of the true wonders of the world. We hiked into deep canyons with Caribbean colored water and cathedral caverns that were once the sacred settings for Native American ceremonies, we slid down rocks into an offshoot of the river with its own set of fast moving water, and we camped and ate next to the mighty Colorado every day and night. The water had been dangerously low the week before, but was perfect for our trip, thanks to the management of the dam -- except for one morning. We lingered at camp until after lunch before the water level returned and we were able to push our two rafts off land. It gave us the perfect opportunity to pose for our group photo in front of one of the rafts. We are grateful for the experience, and learned that climate change is affecting the Grand Canyon just as it is other precious places on the planet.    


Sunday, January 21, 2024

Top San Diego Theater Picks 2022-2023

I'm a little late for summarizing the best of 2023, and I skipped 2022, so I've decided to bunch some memorable entertainment into this blog as we spring into early February 2024. 

The San Diego area has a vast array of cultural venues, from comedy, traveling Broadway shows, symphony, opera, and local theater, to galleries, museums, and outdoor festivals, but theater is always a top pick for me. Here's a roundup of selected shows we enjoyed over the past two years, which you may want to see in your own community or possibly in New York. 

The Old Globe Theater is a San Diego treasure, its architecture in the style of Stratford-upon-Avon where Shakespeare was born and his plays performed. While Shakespeare takes center stage outdoors during the summer, excellent musicals and dramas can be seen on the Globe's three indoor stages all year long in Balboa Park. 

(Credit: Condé Nast Traveler)

Bob Fosse's Dancin' (June 2022) was an updated version of the original show, incorporating a variety of dance styles paying homage to the white-gloved performances Fosse originated four decades ago. The staging was an ongoing creation of exuberant performances and costumes, reminiscent of the master's jazz inspired numbers with music to match.

Come Fall In Love the DDJL musical (September 2022) was an Old Globe world premiere of a Bollywood story adapted from a beloved Indian film, a cultural phenomenon with audiences lining up daily at the box office. Acting, songs, and color-drenched sets create a mesmerizing musical infused with flashy costumes and video backdrops to establish a sense of place during the main character's travels around Europe. In the end, the throbbing score and choreography deliver a vivid cultural overlay for the girl-meets-boy tale that challenges the norm, rendering the show utterly irresistible. It's currently in development on Broadway, so watch for the opening announcement sometime this year!

Cabaret  (September 2023) was a revival of a musical that has survived the test of time, while evoking reminders of a disturbing era all too similar to today's global political climate. The Kit Kat Club, with a cast of unforgettable characters and provocative entertainment, provides a seedy setting for the story of an American writer who falls for Sally Bowles, the lead performer at the club. Sets and staging capture the ambience of pre-WWII Germany as Hitler is rising to power and characters find themselves struggling to understand the world around them. All does not end well. The Kit Kat Club becomes a microcosm that is both a reflection of and escape from the pending horrors. The Emcee, a wide-eyed flirt bubbling with glee and suggestive one-liners like  spitballs, holds the audience's attention. Sally is the lost soul whose predicament is predictable. She gives the story its heart, but also its sad ending, not unlike the fate of Germany.

Opera

El Ultimo Sueno de Frida Y Diego (Oct/Nov 2022) was a magical experience and a San Diego Opera world premiere at the San Diego Civic Theatre in 2022. The extraordinary work focused on the love story of Mexico's famed artists who were forever intertwined through art, marriage, breakups, affairs, tragedy, and more. With a nod to Mexican folklore, the memorable sets are most brilliant in their depiction of the underworld. Frida had already passed, and Diego would die soon. Despite their complicated relationship, and Diego's reputation as a controversial public figure and unfaithful partner, he longs for his beloved Frida weeks before his passing. Actors perform in a stunning glow of candlelight on three ascending levels of the stage. Their robust operatic vocals resonate to the beat of haunting orchestral accompaniment in the underworld. Despite a full season of opera in San Diego, I’ve not been a frequent patron, but couldn't miss this much praised production about two people whose lives stretched across continents and have been memorialized in exhibitions, books,  documentaries, and movies. Frida y Diego has since been performed by San Francisco and Los Angeles opera companies, both in 2023. Perhaps on its way to a venue near you?


More Theater

The Ferryman (Jan-March 2023) presented by New Village Arts  in Carlsbad Village was a calculated walk through a dark  period of modern history. The story is about the impact of The Troubles on everyday people from 1968-1994 in Northern Ireland. Told from the perspective of the Carney family, modest grain farmers, the audience bears witness to the ambiguous nature of the social and political nightmare for the majority of the population. Going about their daily tasks during this era of undercover terrorism, if someone made a wrong move or comment toward the wrong person, they could find themselves tangled in violence or worse. It was a guessing game of who's on whose side. When violence ultimately befalls the peaceful Carney home, grief, uncertainty, and despair are palpable. Ferryman is a 2019 Tony award-winning play, considered one of the major dramas of the modern era. For anyone who recalls watching IRA stories play out on TV, The Troubles were a never-ending civil war news story. I was intrigued by the play, both informative and disturbing, as it demonstrated the plight of so many people caught powerless, without the freedom to live full lives, or to plan for their futures. The direction, performances and sets at New Village Arts were Tony worthy.

42nd Street (August 2023) at Moonlight Stage Productions, a local treasure in Vista, California, was a breath of fresh air. From a tap-dancing title opener to a Lullaby of Broadway show-stopper, the performances rang with vitality and familiarity. The story is adapted from the film about a small town girl who gets her big chance on Broadway when the lead calls in sick. It's a triumphant tribute to New York that pays homage to all that American musical theater represents. The gifts of the show are legendary contributions to the Great American Songbook, i.e. I Only Have Eyes for You, Shuffle Off to Buffalo, and 42nd Street. As a childhood dancer myself, who performed in variety shows and fund-raisers as a young mom, I have a soft spot in my heart for American musicals. I was tempted to jump up from my seat to the stage, tap my feet, and kick my legs in chorus line numbers. Other memories bubbled in my head as well. The Goodspeed Opera House in East Haddam, Connecticut, dedicated solely to American musical theater, was always a treat when I lived in the area. Moonlight has a strong reputation for quality outdoor musical productions, and this one sparkled with all the right ingredients to keep the buzz alive. Don’t miss this one if it lands in your neck of the woods. 



Monday, January 1, 2024

The BIG Move

Last year was a whirlwind that started with an unexpected event. In mid-February, Dan and I made an offer on a two-bedroom condo in a four-year-old high-rise in Carlsbad Village. Good news...the offer was accepted. Other news...it was contingent on the quick sale of our four-bedroom, two-story  home purchased twenty-two years ago. We immediately shifted into marathon mode to ensure we could sell the house pronto and downsize by half. 

First, the downstairs had to be painted white, because the colors we'd chosen two decades before were no longer in vogue. We crammed aging furniture, favorite paintings, and collected decor from 37 years of marriage, five cities, and dozens of trips into the garage to make way for the painters. They whitewashed the walls in record time, converting our cozy abode into a cleaner, brighter version of itself. After they walked out, the stager walked in. She did a brisk preview, then ordered us to  remove additional furniture and area rugs to create more space and less stuff. A potential buyer would need to picture their own furniture in the house instead of ours. We checked everything on her list, and she delivered a minimalist makeover, including smaller furniture items, textured wall hangings, large and small plants, black and white books and decor, lots of baskets, and appointed lamps, calling it  "coastal ranch." We both felt there was a lot to like, wishing we'd done it sooner!

The crowded garage was now a hoarder's paradise as our realtors prepped for three open houses. Time to take photos and post them on Craigslist, Facebook Marketplace, and Offer Up. With so much collected over our lifetime together, letting go was both emotional and torrential. We begged the kids to take a few pieces, and were thrilled when they did. Neighbors also picked up some sidewalk items. After rock bottom prices in online ads failed to empty the garage, we boxed and donated small appliances and leftover furniture along with endless bags of clothing to Goodwill, local thrift stores, and consignment shops. 

Best news of all, the house sold quickly. Whew! Dan and I moved five times before, to new cities, but we'd never stayed 22 years in one spot, so this was the BIG move within the same city that tested us on so many levels, mainly related to age. On March 23rd, the moving van pulled up in front of the Rancho Carrillo house that was no longer ours and loaded enough furniture and other belongings for us to start the next stage of our lives. We were trading years of memories and great times in our house for an exciting new neighborhood and a simpler, more convenient lifestyle near the beach. We are so happy we did. The new hood offers tons of restaurants, a theater, a library, a train station, and endless galleries and shops to explore within walking distance. Finally settled, we were able to host 17 family members for Christmas Eve! In 2024 we look forward to more good times with our new neighbors, browsing shops, joining a book club, and eating our way through Carlsbad Village.  




The grandkids in the annual Christmas skit.

 


 
Carlsbad Blvd/Hwy 101


                                                         

  
Carlsbad HS Chorus

Sunday, October 17, 2021

Rubber Dolls Part IV: An Intimate Embrace

Once Mila appeared to be past the heartbreak of a romance that ended, she set her mind on new prospects. What better place to find a good guy than a church singles group? It took a couple of years of potlucks, but she found her pot of gold at the end of the pew. Seventeen years younger, the man I’ll call Ken was all in for good meals, a vivacious mate, and Mila’s lovely home in the manicured 55-plus development. 

 

We found Ken to be intelligent, gregarious, and conversational. After college, he served as a medic in the Marines, and later earned an LVN to work in emergency rooms and nursing homes. During trips to Texas and the East Coast, Mila met both of his parents, and he accompanied her to a high school reunion in Kentucky where he met more of our family. They appeared to be very devoted, but did see a couple’s therapist after a couple of years to sort out relationship issues. 

 

What had started as a whirlwind of concerts in the park, day trips, parties, and dancing at local clubs began to wind down about a year later. By 2014, Mila had dropped her volunteer work, and cut back on gym and knitting projects to focus on Ken’s and her business ventures. Initially, they were selling legal insurance, soon followed by miracle skincare, and later, by alkaline water, and even a brain supplement. I found it nearly impossible to talk to my sister without her trying to sign me up to her sales team for the product du jour. 

 

She and Ken attended Toastmasters groups, Chambers of Commerce socials, farmers’ markets, church gatherings, and singles events, all with one goal in mind, recruiting people for their multi-level marketing teams. Whenever they went to a restaurant, Ken pitched their waiter before he gave his order. One of Mila’s friends reported that Ken knocked on doors in her senior apartment building for the same purpose. In at least one instance, he stuck his foot in the door so the elderly lady couldn’t close it. 

 

Only later would I discover Mila paid the bills for nearly all of their business expenses and memberships while he drove her car, avoided rent, and occupied her living room with electronic devices with cables winding in every direction. Since Ken’s older model car was in need of paint and repairs and sat idle in the carport, we suspected he had little or no income. Dan and I would later learn Mila’s retirement income, social security checks, credit cards, and loans financed purchases they couldn’t afford, with only minimal sales. We were suspicious of Ken’s motives and lack of financial responsibility, unwilling to even repair his car so he could drive it.  

 

Mila had fared pretty well with her bipolar illness since moving to the San Diego area. But a storm was brewing. She didn’t want us to know, but she stopped taking her anti-psychotic medications in early 2017 because she believed the miracle brain supplement Ken sold and she’d been taking would cure her bipolar. She found a doctor at the “Institute for Longevity” who wrote a prescription to support her decision. Dan and I had already warned against ever stopping her meds. We also encouraged her to assume more ownership of her car and make Ken pay his share of the rent. 

 

On Mother’s Day weekend, I visited Betsy and her partner at their cozy condo in the St. Johns Bridge neighborhood of Portland. Driving me to their home, she pointed out the antique bridge with patina-encrusted arches over the river, and my phone rang. Amy said we needed to talk, and I should call her back once I got settled. It was about Mila. 




Betsy’s living room was decorated in soft hues of blue, with a low shelf of vintage album covers stacked along one wall, and colorful glass pieces perched in a high window sill on the opposite wall. I sat next to her and returned Amy’s call, anxiety pulsing like a distant siren in my head. Amy’s voice was slow and precise as she told us her husband, Dustin, had gone out to a local club with a group of friends the night before. When he gazed around the dark room, Dustin spotted Ken with another woman. Startled and confused, he and his buddy kept an eye on Ken and his companion, who sat close for most of the evening, and eventually held each other in an intimate embrace. Ken never noticed Dustin.  

 

Rubber Dolls Part Four concludes a preview to the memoir I’m writing about my sister and me. I welcome your comments below or via email: vicki.beck@yahoo.com.

Friday, September 24, 2021

Rubber Dolls Part III: A Bicycle and a Breakup

Maintaining a healthy lifestyle was nearly a religion for Mila. Early on, she figured bipolar was challenging enough, so she did everything in her power to minimize the risk of other problems like heart disease and cancer which ran in our family. But there was more, she frequently reminded me. The lithium to control her bipolar illness could take a toll on her kidneys, and doctors in San Francisco warned she had early markers of diabetes and macular degeneration. 

 

I admired the way she tried to protect her health. Mila took her meds regularly, and steered clear of anything like tobacco, alcohol, or pot, to avoid the risks they might pose. She drank cranberry juice to protect her kidneys, switched to a sugar substitute called Stevia to keep diabetes at bay, and always wore sunglasses to avoid blindness in later life. She also drank green tea and cooked vegan, including tasty meals of lentil soup, kale salads, and other veggie delights. Spinach became a staple of her diet. And her knowledge of medical breakthroughs, nutrition, and miracle supplements in the news was impressive, but would later make her more vulnerable to expensive multi-level marketing schemes. 

 

Although she stayed fairly focused on her physical health, one of the downsides to Mila’s bipolar illness was a lack of organizational skills, on full display during the move Dan and I orchestrated from San Francisco. 


After her furniture was unloaded in San Diego, she was so despondent from fatigue and the episode with the homeless guy, I had to set up her kitchen, unpack and organize her clothes, and take her shopping for new supplies. My hope was that she’d be able to maintain it once we finished. Despite my repeated attempts through the early years, disorganization won, and a new person would eventually enter the scene to raise that bar.



In the meantime, there was another challenge Mila took on with gusto. Now settled in her new home with the warmer San Diego climate so much to her liking, she felt a void, and was eager to share her life with a man. Besides, "married people live longer," she said, like it was part of her healthy diet. Within weeks, she’d scoured the dating websites to identify someone who might fit the bill. One day she called to report she’d be having coffee that afternoon with someone she met online. Her voice rippled with excitement. My enthusiasm peaked, too, but so did a red flag. I reminded her not to give him her address until she got to know him better, and she assured me she knew the rules of online dating, so no worries.  

 

All night long, she didn’t answer her phone, so I went to bed with wild scenarios in my head. The next day, the phone rang early afternoon and it was Mila. My tight chest could relax now. The new beau surprised her with a bicycle because he knew she didn’t have a car, and delivered it to her house. I held my breath and waited for the rest of the story. Afterwards, he made dinner for her at his house. Within a week, he was staying with her most nights, and within a few months, he revealed he’d met someone new online. Mila was shocked. He told her like it was no big deal, she said, with her pulling the information out of him.

 

Naturally, she was devastated. And I was disappointed, too. After the three-year fiasco with a homeless man Mila somehow thought she could help, she should meet someone responsible and caring. The new beau seemed like a decent guy, and they appeared truly devoted at family events. 

 

The result was disturbing. Mila soon became confused and spiraled downward, calling paramedics daily for a ride to the ER. First, she couldn’t remember if she’d taken her meds or not, then she feared she was having a stroke, and finally, she sent an email to her ex-beau stating she wanted to kill me and take my husband. It would be weeks before she stabilized again. Even months later, as we drove to a doctor’s visit, she confessed she’d also called a suicide line for help after the breakup. I was saddened to recognize she wouldn't call us for help, and was unlikely to confide in us. I wondered if her therapist even knew the details. She presented a cavalier front for us, proclaiming she’d find another candidate online.

 

Even though she lived nearby, we couldn’t save Mila from herself, and she wouldn’t necessarily share her true feelings. Dan reminded me I wasn’t her mother and I couldn’t keep tabs on her. But I’d been looking out for her since I was fourteen years old. It was tough during those high school years. When we both left Kentucky as adults, it became easier to manage by phone with hundreds or thousands of miles between us. I could go on with my life and put her problems aside, at least temporarily. It was much harder now, with her living close by again.